My Initiation

When I decided to become a mother, I had no idea the complete paradigm shift that was in store for me. Everything I thought I knew about myself fell apart and left me in a state of loneliness, disbelief, shock and confusion. I had spent 9 years in higher education, internships and climbing the mountain of a freelance performance career- none of which I could sustain as a new mother. My entire social and geographic identity was left behind when we moved away from Seattle to a small cabin on the Tulalip Reservation. I experienced a deep depression, literally wandering the forest alone with my baby for weeks at a time while my partner traveled with his metal band. I relied on others for a 15 mile ride to the grocery store, where I paid with WIC and food stamps.

I know now that this was my initiation. A forced slowing, quieting, a demand for authenticity. Broken and alone in the woods, accountable only to an infant, was quite literally the opposite of performance! With all masks dropped, I was finally able to listen deeply to myself, my son, and the immense Spiritual activity all around me. In the midst of grief, abandonment and resentment, I sparked an enchantment with my Self. I found my inner strength and advocated for the stability of my household. I found my standards for partnership and I’m grateful to say, my husband rose to the occasion. I devoted myself to studies of Energy Healing with a talented Medicine Woman out of sheer necessity. I traded reception work for years of Traditional Chinese Medical care to integrate my body and spirit. When it became apparent my son could only survive traditional school through extreme masking and medication, I pulled him out and we’ve unschooled ever since. I found the strength to stop numbing myself with alcohol and get real with myself and those close to me. I latched on to every creative, physical and spiritual opportunity I could to align with my integrity and joy.

Every practice I teach, I come by honestly. I know what it is to feel shattered, deeply alone, yet still carry an immense responsibility to others. I know the terror of voicing my needs to my intimate partner- and the vulnerability of opening into forgiveness and co-creation. I know the pressure to mother perfectly, and the dance of placing my needs in the same circle of deservedness as everyone else’s. I have wisdom to share…

Currently, I am living the life I longed for: 12 years with my best friend and lover, raising our two incredible sons in authenticity and secure attachment. A circle of friends and extended family that is honest, deep and joyful. A direct line to my hobbies and passions that I enjoy with guilt free entitlement. Meaningful work that I am obsessed with and would do for free- but am very grateful to make a living by.

I’ve alchemized my pain into skills and wisdom and I’m eager to guide my clients using these same navigation skills to build a life they love.